just blew me away.
I really struggled to stay in the room. My tears were coming down my face, hot and steady at one point. I knew that it would be a really big embarrassment if I got up though. The way the chairs are laid out-- every single person in the room would have known I was affected and I don't know what they would have been thinking.
The basic gist of the sermon was that God is there for us, no matter what our circumstances are, even in the depths of despair. Pastor Danny used 1 Samuel chapter 1 to illustrate-- Hannah, (samuel's mother) in her barrenness, crying out to God that if He blessed her with a child (He had closed her womb for whatever reason) she promised to give the child back to God. And she did-- when he was only 3 years old. But Danny went into great length about barrenness and desiring children-- wanting to be needed and how it is different to how a woman feels needed by her husband. How the aches are different for husbands and for children.
Oh man I was dying inside. I have watched many (nearly all) of my friends as they grew more pregnant and have become auntie to all of their children time and again, but can't get this weight off. I don't know if I am barren or not, but I suppose I am as good as, because it would be unhealthy to have a baby at this weight. I have put enough strain on my poor body, my back and my heart. Where would the weight of the baby go? I'd have to be bed-ridden because I wouldn't be able to find maternity clothes in my size. But yet, I really desire a family. And last night in the room as he was saying all those things, I wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground and cry my heart out.
I think I would be a good Mummy. I have been looking after children since I was about 10 years old. Running the creche rota means I can have mini baby-fixes on a fairly regular basis (once a month or so) but it's not the same.
So God, here I am in the depths. Be with me now.
Please.
Posted by kristen at February 16, 2004 5:20 PM